In the morning Donohue Pass seemed far away; its red-striped snow a splash of color on a distant mountain.
But I've been climbing and climbing and now I'm beside that snow with the accordion reddish tinges. The red is supposedly some type of ice-loving algae. Weird.
Now it gets rockier and steeper.
A family of three passes me on their way down.
"You're only 15 minutes from the saddleback," they tell me.
"Great!" I say. Then shout back to them:
"Hey, what's a saddleback?"
Now I'm climbing over boulders. I'm not entirely sure I'm where I should be, but the trail has done one of those brief disappearing acts it does on the face of rocks. And I see footprints in the little bits of dirt around the rocks I'm trying to get over.
There's a couple of problems:
1. I've done very little bouldering, and none with a pack on my back.
2. I get vertigo. Not bad. It's not like I'm Jimmy Stewart or anything. It's just sometimes when I'm climbing something really high (like a mountan pass) or get the cheap seats at the Save Mart Center, and look down, the world starts to spin a little.
I'm crawling over a boulder like a turtle who took up rock climbing when I inadvertently look back.
Spin.
Slip.
Slip some more.
Hold on like crustacean to rock that is set on a spinning, dipping vertigo ride, until I fall off to the side. Off the trail. If it is the trail. I find myself wedged between two high rocks. I'm going to have to climb over one of them. I try to forget that I can't even walk without stumbling with a pack on my back. If I die, I think, I will ruin it for everyone. No reporter at The Fresno Bee, or the McClatchy newspapers, or the whole Unites States will ever get to do anything electively exciting again! These are the thoughts you have when you're admittedly in a pickle but don't really think you are going to die.
A couple of minutes later, I have the thoughts you have when doom does seem inevitable. I start up the bigger rock because it's not as pointy on top. But it's covered with tiny bits of gravel. My hands slip and then my feet slip. I can't get a toehold. With the pack on my back I don't feel like I'm going to fall down the rock; I feel like I'm going to fall out and down the mountain. I keep scrambling, mostly pulling myself up with my hands, but I'm getting tired. I think of people I interviewed who have hiked the John Muir Trail. They got over this. The 59-year-old man with a plastic bottle for showers strapped to his huge backpack got over this. And I'm going to die here? That family I just talked to got over this. But then the "buts" start in: but they had trekking poles. But they knew how to climb. But they weren't afraid of heights. But they weren't lame!
I try to tell myself I'm just being silly. I'm making a, ahem, mountain out of a boulder. But I'm about 12 feet off the ground on the steepest of inclines. If I fall off this rock, it's going to hurt. There's another, taller rock close by. I sort of roll over on my side so the backpack is balanced on the rock I'm on, then I reach my legs out to the other rock and go up sideways, like a rock climber in a crevice. At the top I have to stand up and make one final three-foot step. I crouch low and stand up slowly. Now, I can see that I am off trail. Those little piles of rocks that give you a clue where to go when the trail disappears beneath your feet are a few yards away over some big boulders.
Something strange has happened. Inside, I have the heaviest, darkest feeling. I've never felt so serious. It's like every bit of laughter has been sucked out. In place of whimsy I have these new arms and legs that suddenly know what to do. It's like there are magnets between my hands and the rocks and I somehow just lock on to the right places to grab hold. I climb up and over the top of the pass. Jim, Emily and Darrell are at the top snacking and looking out. I half wave and keep walking. I'm on top of the higheset mountain pass I will probably ever walk over and I don't give it one backward glance. It would only make me dizzy.
On the other side, I start gasping air the way you do when you jump in to water that's too cold and first come up. I can't stop. I think about the spirit of Tahquitz. I'm from Palm Springs and the Indian Canyons there are about my favorite place on earth. They are full of waterfalls and wild grapes and the legends of the Cahuilla Indians. One of the canyons, Tahquitz, is dangerous. People die there every single year. The story goes that it's because the evil spirit Tahquitz lives in the canyon. But I went hiking there with a Cahuilla Indian tribe member once and he said "evil spirit" is too simplified. Tahquitz isn't evil. He's just all powerful without compassion. When you go up against Tahquitz, there is no mercy, he's indifferent. You are completely on your own. The rest of nature can't love and protect you and your own negligible powers are meaningless. My friend said the scariest part of the legend of Tahquitz is that those who face him find out what "alone" really means.
I look out. It stretches on and on forever. Tall mountains covered with ice and snow. Steep red rock trails plunging down. This is a different world than Tuolumne or Sunrise with their meadows and wild flowers and happy daytrippers. The trail stops at a snowbank. There are footprints across the snow. I start putting my feet in those footprints. I fall. I get up and sit on a rock. Emily comes hiking down. She chooses another snowbank to cross. She shouts over that she sees the trail. I look at her face and see that she is crying. When I catch up I ask her if she found the pass hard to climb too. She says no. She's climbed much, much worse.
I think that the reason she is crying must have something to do with looking out and seeing forever and ever.
But I am too somber and alone within myself to ask.