By now, you’ve heard that Forbes ranked Fresno as the dirtiest city in the country, a designation based on air quality and water cleanliness. Ya know, science and stuff. Most Fresnans reacting to this news, however, have been using the ranking as a reason to spout off about how dirty the city is in more visible ways, like litter on the freeway. (And they’ve proven they didn’t actually read the story, way to go, guys!)
Since you Fresnans want the other kinda dirty, and Forbes ain’t measuring that, we at The Beehive have culled together 11 other things that make Fresno dirty. Fair warning: Some of what you’ll find below is a tad NSFW and thus, not fit for clean minds. Oh, the filth. Let’s roll around in it.
Conan’s being a murderer and pervert aside, Honorary Fresnan of the Day college student Ben raises a good point: Fresno did not, in fact, slander Conan. We now demand reparations from Conan in the form of Andy Richter — the real thing, not a bobblehead — as Timmy T’s servant for a day.
I realize this sounds like it could be some fake new story from The Onion, but it’s not. Those of you who follow The Beehive know that Timmy T has become something of an Internet jester in recent years, so this all could be some attention-grab for him. Whatever his motivation, the Facebook posts are priceless:
If you’re still loving the Timmy T-sampled Fresno anthem “One More Try” by Fashawn, then you’ll have to watch the video released this week. Like the song, it’s full of Fresno references, old footage, etc. There’s even a quick cameo by me, circa 2004 or so.
I’m probably just a prisoner of the moment on this one, but current Fresno rap king Fashawn just dropped a new hometown anthem featuring Omar Aura and did something so brilliant I don’t know why it hadn’t been done before.
He rapped over Timmy T’s 1991 chart-topper “One More Try,” creating a song that overdoses on Fresnawesomeness. I’m not going to lie, I totally marked out when the beat came in. Even the artwork for “One More Try” is great. Listen to or download the song below. (Warning: NSFW language)
1. BOOZE IT UP It’s going to be hot this weekend. You can get all angry about it and whine on Twitter. Or you can go drink and be merry. Saturday is the first ever Fresno Tequila and Mezcal Expo and Sunday is the annual Celebration of Wine — it’s year No. 30, actually. And if you’re hungry, consider the Serbian Food Festival. They all beat bitchin’ about the heat.
Congratulations go out to Mark and Donnie Walhberg, who are opening up a new burger joint named … wait for it … Wahlburgers. Yes, really.
This could be the beginning of a new trend — let’s call them “duh” businesses — of superstars buying businesses and naming them after themselves. Harrison’s Ford Dealership. Sandra Bullocksmith Services. Timmy T-shirt Outlet. You get the point.
For the latest in their “Like It or Lump It” video series, they hit the streets for a hard-hitting look at the pesky jaywalkers of Fresno. Mia even puts her own safety at risk to live like a jaywalker, and as you’ll see, it was an expletive-inducing experience.
If you thought Timmy T was just kickin’ back enjoying the Fresno heat these days, counting that “One More Try,” money, reveling in the 20-year anniversary of his song hitting No. 1 on the Billboard Pop charts, you’d be sorely mistaken.
From his throne as Fresno’s favorite son (sorry, K-Fed, if you came to visit once in a while …), Timmy has been quite busy doing ummm, stuff, on the internet. Yeah, “stuff” is the best word for it. You might recall his fondness for oversharing on Twitter and him trying to be a local reality show star.
Nowadays, he’s really putting in work on his YouTube channel, releasing lots of videos, most of them starring his model/actress wife Mia Torres. They’ve also got a dizzying Facebook group with 20,000 people in it. Timmy is becoming the Rupert Murdoch of Fresno — and I’m sure Mia would take a pie to the face for him.
The crux of a lot of their work is a woman-on-the-street show called “Like It or Lump It,” where Mia visits businesses and events and interviews people. Here’s one at local eatery Mama Mia. Watch out, Taste Fresno.
Fresno’s favorite local singing sensation, Timmy T, gets a shout-out in the current issue of Entertainment Weekly.
The pop culture magazine’s “Chart Flashback” lists Timmy T’s “One More Try” as the number one single twenty years ago this week, and has these not-so-glowing words to say about the song: “Balls of tinfoil have better production values than this tinkly synth-pop plea, and L.A. freestyler Timmy T never hit the Top 40 again. But oh, that aching, Casio-assisted misery.”
Wow. Way harsh, Tai. Also, “L.A. freestyler”? Timmy T is Fresno born, baby. Anyone who writes an angry letter to Entertainment Weekly and gets it published will have his/her letter reprinted here on the Beehive, and props will be doled out accordingly.
We may not have much, but we have Timmy T, dammit.
1. GET A MONSTER MULLET
Have your heard? The Fresno Monsters — our new upstart hockey team — are 7-0. They’re also in town this weekend. Tonight, they take a page out of the Grizzlies playbook, with a zany promo. It’s mullet night and if you have a mullet (real or fake) you get in for $5.
Vote Famous is a local reality show featuring Timmy T and a lady named Kat. They go around to different places in town, sometimes giving them awards, other times just shamelessly advertising. Along the way hilarity is supposed to ensue as we see scripted arguments, odd drama and random flirting.
The Fresnan dug out the first video in April. Today, Travis Sheridan found another video. And, lucky me, I just found two more. Let’s all stare in awe at our version of “The Hills.”
In this episode, Timmy T’s wife is going getting a tattoo and he goes on a rampage.
Yesterday Tweet-hating H-Mac showed me a hilarious Web site called Things You Should Not Twitter. It’s pretty much what you’d guess: People Tweeting about sex, porn and drugs. I thought to myself how, for the most part, my Twitter feed doesn’t give me TMI.
Then this morning, I saw this:
Thanks, Timmy T, thanks a bunch. I’ll let you have One More Try, but if this happens again, I’m blockin’ yer ass.
For you tax-paying working stiffs who can’t make it over to the Save Mart Center to party with the Glenn Beck mafiaKMJ, we at The Beehive have decided to throw our own Tea Party. Like the in-person event, ours is also dedicated to giving a voice to the right people.
So, teabaggers Beehive readers, we ask that you make yourselves heard in The Beehive’s Totally Tubular Tea Party. We’ve outlined below what we believe to be the most important issues facing us in these troubling times and encourage you to sound off.
It’s all the local news and stuff from the blogosphere that you need to Fres-Know:
DON’T TELL PETA: Local dog Kaze, a top contender in Alpo’s nationwide search to find the biggest meat maniac in America, needs your votes. He’s got tough competition, as apparently Jessica Simpson is entered in that contest, as well. [Alpo Real Moments] DON’T TELL PETA, PT. 2: Ruth’s Chris, an upscale steakhouse competing with Flemings and Sizzler, opens today at River Park. Wait — Sizzler? Really? [Fresno Bee Business Blog] Bash MASH BROTHERS: Blogger and Swede master Brodiemash meets Jose Canseco at Club One Casino; resists the urge to say “I’m totally juiced to meet you.” [The Dumb Are Mostly Intrigued By the Drum] TIMMEHHH: Fresno icon Timmy T reads local blogs and is sad when teh people talk teh s*** about him, so be nice — we can’t keep pinning all our hopes on Federline. [estewartartist] SAVE HIP HOP: Politically conscious New York group Readnex is literally stranded in Fresno and needs help (read: $$) continuing their tour. [The Fresnan] FRENCH FOR “BOOBS”: The difference between burlesque and stripping? Burlesque is art. [Troismoispossibly NSFW] MORE BOOBS: Another Victoria’s Secret is opening in Fresno, this one at River Park. Voice of experience: Don’t try on sexy lingerie after gorging on steak and baked potatoes at Ruth’s Chris. [Fresno Bee Business Blog]