It’s been a while since the last “I Hate You, Mike Oz.” Not because people stopped hating me, more because they haven’t been comically hating me. But when I heard a voicemail from this kind angel of a woman last week, I knew you’d want to hear her too. If you’re wondering, she’s referencing the end of a recent post-election column in which I pulled a Rodney King and asked that we all get along. Apparently not.
Last week in my Bee column, I wrote about the not-quite-yet redemption of Chris Brown after the Grammys and how his fans (*ahem* Team Breezy *ahem*) need a reality check. Ya know, considering the way they defend him and even wish to get beat up by him.
I expected Team Breezy to get upset by this. In fact, were I to pen a predictable response to the column, it would have went something like this e-mail I got from Jasmine:
I read your article about Chris Brown and him winning the Grammy and I STRONGLY disagree with EVERYTHING you said. He may have had a violent breakout with Rihanna, but that was 3 years ago. Obviously she got over it, so you need to get over it. Chris Brown is just another person who made some mistakes, you don’t know him. I’m sure you’ve made mistakes.
Obligatory backstory: I interviewed Kathy Griffin last month before her comedy show at Saroyan Theatre. The story ran here in The Bee and in our sister paper, The Sacramento Bee, before her show up there.
Fast forward a few weeks and I get a letter in my mailbox here at The Bee that has “PUKE” written on the back.
Never-fail rule: If you get a piece of mail with “PUKE” written on the envelope in Sharpie, its contents will be quite entertaining. This one did not disappoint. I must warn you before you go any further, however, the next picture contains foul language.
Cut-and-pasting hate mail? Meh. I figured we could step the game up a bit.
After my column about Starline last week, I got a scathing e-mail from a guy who has been hating me for a while. I decided it would be best presented in a dramatic reading, so I asked Anthony Taylor of Organic Theater Factory to do the honors. (Plug: OTF’s “Glory Days” opens tonight, runs through the weekend and starts again next weekend. Go here for tickets.)
PREVIOUSLY:
I Hate You, Mike Oz: Vol. 1 | Vol. 2 | Vol. 3 | Vol. 4 | Vol. 5 | Vol. 6 | Vol. 7
So, it’s been a while since I did one of these, anyhow …
—–Original Message—–
From: JOSHUA [mailto:xxxxxxxxxxxxx@aol.com]
Sent: Mon 10/11/2010 11:10 PM
To: Osegueda, Mike – Fresno
Subject: A COMPLETE DISGRACEI find it simply amazing that you are imployed by the fresno bee and that your garbage reaches people.
i am removing myself from fresnobee.com and i intend to send a letter to your boss before i do. your posts are pointless.
and i hope to God my kids never,ever find you online.
-Joshua
To Joshua’s children, or anyone else, I can be found on Twitter, Facebook, MySpace (yes, still) and right here on The Beehive.
Here’s a friendly e-mail in response to last Friday’s column proposing a no-talent tax for the likes of T-Pain and Ryan Seacrest. I did also suggest I’d be taxed, so dissing me with my own zingers isn’t all that special.
Nonetheless, I will do my best to stay off this gentleman’s lawn.
My favorite type of hate comes via snail mail. I figure it’s easy to make a hasty phone call and yell at someone. Addressing an envelope, throwing a stamp on it and putting it in a mailbox is actually a lot of effort to put into hating someone. So when I get a piece of good ol’ fashioned hate mail, I cherish it.
And this, ladies and gentleman, is one of the most simple yet awesome pieces of hate mail I have ever received. Enjoy:
This has been a long time in the making — and I hope it’s worth it. Here is Vol. 4 of the “I Hate You, Mike Oz” series.
Backstory: This is actually more than a year old. I had written a column about the need for mid-size concert venue in town and said the Warnors Theatre, if you took out the seats on the first level, would be like the awesome Warfield in San Francisco. This gentleman was none too pleased with that idea. Notice that he called at 4:40 a.m.
Warning: NSFW
LISTEN: I Hate You, Mike Oz! (mp3)
So Bee reader Steve liked my column this morning, but he still doesn’t think very highly of me, if this e-mail he sent is any indication:
wow! u finally wrote a decent column. who helped u with it? u ought to celebrate and have another taco fatboy.
oh, by the way, walnut creek isn’t the Bay Area.
take care loser
I don’t know what Walnut Creek has to do anything. And I’m pretty sure Steve didn’t hear that I made the 40 Under 40 list — I may have a taco in honor of that.
Since that voicemail last week was such a hit, I’m bringing back “I Hate You, Mike Oz” for a second go-around. This time it’s not a voicemail, but rather a huffy and puffy, caps lock MySpace message from a local promoter guy who doesn’t care for my Worst Flier of the Week feature.
I’m not gonna call out dude’s name — but let’s just say he’s so unoriginal that he takes his moniker from a famous rapper.
WHO THE F#%* ARE U NOBODY CARES WHAT U HAVE TO SAY …HOW ABOUT HATER OF THE WEEK HEADLINING U..LAST TIME I CHECKED LETS SEE, 300-350 PAID AT $10= $3500 CASH FOR ONE NITE = $14,000 A MONTH… I DO TWO NIGHTS,LOL,, HOWS YOUR BANK ACCOUNT LOOKING????? AND THATS NOT MY DAY JOB BUDDY
If you’re wondering, here’s what dude has going on tomorrow night:
I love the angry voicemails I get. Mainly because people tend to unload when they know I can’t talk back to them.
For example, this voicemail I got the other day about my recent “Deranged about DTV” column. Now, this person never actually says “I hate you” — but does call me plenty of other names.
The call starts by asking if I have the guts to listen to the whole thing. Sure I do. Too bad the caller didn’t have the guts to leave a name. I shall ask the same to you: Do you have the guts to listen to this?
LISTEN: I Hate You, Mike Oz! (mp3)