After last week’s Dos and Don’ts of Trick-or-Treating post, I was paying close attention to the etiquette of people ringing my doorbell last night.
For the most part, the kids were kind, cute and grateful to be taking my Kit Kats. But there were offenders, oh yes there were.
Here are some of the people who were not treats. (Note: Offenders not pictured)
The Cell Phone Talker: I had three different people come to my door last night while on a cell phone. I’m not talking about parents on phones, standing behind their kids. I’m talking about people holding out bags wanting my nom-noms. Look, I’m as tethered to my phone as anyone, and even I’ll admit this was ridiculous. A special shout out to the tween girl on her phone who said neither “trick or treat” nor “thank you.” I think Microsoft made a commercial about you. No … really!
The Possibly Lying Adult: “Oh, can I have one more for my other kid who is sick at home?” What that really means is: “I think you’re an idiot and I’m gonna try to get more candy out of you. You don’t know how many kids I have, sucker! This Butterfinger is going to work with me tomorrow.” Maybe you really do have a sick kid at home. Maybe I’m just cynical. But I doubt it.
The Greedy Bastards: What’s with these kids who look at you sideways when you give them just one piece of candy? I’m not giving you lame candy. I’m giving you the good stuff. Be happy with one, you entitled little snots.
The Stroller Pusher: Were there always parents pushing their hella little children from house to house in strollers? Or is that something I’m just noticing now that I’m soon to be a dad? Last night, these stroller pushers were out in mass, many of them causing traffic jams on their way up to my door. (And one of them ran over one of our lawn lights, I think). Look, lady, we all know that kid is not eating the candy — it can’t even sit up on its own. You’re a grown ass person, so just save all of us the trouble and go to Rite Aid to buy yourself a bag of Snickers instead. I’m promising the world right now that I will not be pushing my child door-to-door next Halloween just so I can get some candy.
[photo: Gary Kazanjian / Fresno Bee]