Anyone who’s seen the production knows that Teddy Maldonado, who plays the height-challenged Lord Farquaad, isn’t going to forget this role for a long time. He spends his time on stage in a special contraption that, well, cuts him down to size. I thought it would be interesting to conduct an exit interview with his beleaguered knees. They didn’t kneed much encouragement to spill all.
Question: Well, hello there, Teddy’s knees. I understand you’ve had a rough job these past couple of months. What has it been like helping play Lord Farquaad? Have you gotten any hazard pay?
Answer: It’s been wonderful, certainly the most action we have gotten since Teddy played catcher in little league. We have a contractual agreement with our owner, Teddy, that we receive half of the reimbursement check. We plan to use the money on matching “I survived Duloc” tattoos.
Was any chiropractic intervention required during the run? Pain killers? Bottles of tequila?
No pain killers, no cortisone shots, not even a thank you from “Lord Teddy”. So far, no extra measures have been taken regarding our comfort. We have a pending lawsuit.
As Teddy’s knees, what was the hardest part of each performance?
Truly, the hardest part of the process was rehearsing. We demanded some gel pads made specifically for professional tile-layers. After that, things got much better for us.
Has Teddy told you that this is his last weekend as Lord Farquaad? Are you happy about that?
It’s the last weekend??! Not all of our friends and family have made it in to see our big debut. Everyone should call and reserve with the box office!
It seems like Teddy owes you big time for your recent sacrifices. What’s the best way to pamper a pair of knees?
I think if Teddy found us a knee massage specialist we would drop the pending lawsuit. Also, a trip to Disneyland would be enough to ease our pain — there’s nothing more relaxing than ‘Soarin’ over California’!
Will you ever forgive him?
In time I think we will. We just want people to realize, especially Teddy, that knees are often overlooked and are much sexier than elbows. Thank you, Donald, for giving us the recognition we deserve!