People, who has a knack for making a spectacle out of superficial and randomly subjective lists (and god bless them for it) has released its picks for the Hottest Bachelors of 2008.

Confirming every single woman's belief that all the good ones are taken, the list includes the following prize ponies:

MARIO LOPEZ (Named the Hottest of the Hot Bachelors.) Mario, who will always be A.C. Slater to me, has been in the gossip news lately for both cheating on his girlfriend for over a year with a Hooters waitress, and showing diva-like tendencies during the run of "A Chorus Line". Hot!

BRODY JENNER, reality TV whore. Son of Bruce Jenner, step-brother of Kim Kardashian, ex-boyfriend to some of those "Hills" brats. Do I need to go on?

DAVID COOK, "American Idol" winner, wearer of too many message bracelets.

TERRENCE HOWARD, actor. Terrence once told Elle magazine that he would never be compatible with a woman who didn't keep baby wipes in her bathroom because "If they're using dry paper, they aren't washing all of themselves. It's just unclean. So if I go inside a woman's house and see the toilet paper there, I'll explain this. And if she doesn't make the adjustment to baby wipes, I'll know she's not completely clean." Get in line, ladies. This one is mine.

BRYAN SPEARS, brother of Britney Spears. Brother. Of. Britney. Spears.

GERARD BUTLER, actor. Not bad, not bad. Needs to stay away from the too-tight shirts, though.

JAMES BLAKE, tennis player. Never heard of him. Aren't all tennis players kind of bitchy, though?

BRET MICHAELS, singer reality TV whore. Is this a joke? Clearly People doesn't consider "STD-free" an important requirement for hotness. If Flava Flav is on this list, I'm handing in my ovaries right now.

ANDY SAMBERG & AKIVA SHAFFER, SNL star and writer, respectively. Look, if they aren't hot enough to get their own separate mentions, I'm going to assume they're each about 50% hot. Nice try, People.

HUNTER JOHANSSON, twin brother to Scarlet Johansson. Another brother? He's basically Scarlet Johansson minus the bucks and the boobs. What's the point?

ADAM LEVINE, Maroon 5 singer. He's definitely hot in a skinny, dirty, slutty kind of way. Well played, People. Can't believe I had to flip through 10 other rejects to get to him, though.

THOSE GUYS ON "GOSSIP GIRL", actors. I can't even be bothered to figure out what these douchebags' names are.

And that's the list. No Clooney, no Krasinski – no way I'm picking this issue up. I am, however, immediately going to start flipping through the phone book to find the nearest nunnery, as the Decent Man Drought Situation has just been upgraded from "Oh, there are good guys out there in the world, I'm sure of it" to "Oh, crap – I'm going to have to start dating women, aren't I?"

[Photo: People]