5:27 p.m.: Excuse me while I recover from my scare while watching Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet. The "American Idol" host nearly wet his pants after confronting a mildly unstable Gary Busey, who started screaming Seacrest's name from across the crowd, and for a brief moment it looked as if there was going to be a mugging on international television. Was this a scripted scenario or a genuine moment of psychopathic improvisation? All I know is that Jennifer Garner looked as if she was going to call the cops after Busey gave her a big, stalker-like hug. Seacrest, meanwhile, very nearly turned and ran like a ninny. So much for the whole standing-up-to-Simon shtick.

5:36: Anyway, I'm back and I'm ready for every single "Norbit" joke. If you feel so moved on this Oscar night, feel free to comment (hit the appropriate button below or send an email to dmunro@fresnobee.com) on the show. Or at least say hi.

5:39: My goodness, this seems downright old-fashioned. Jon Stewart reminds me of Johnny Carson launching into a low-budget monologue. No elaborate skits, no technological wizardry, no production numbers.

5:42: The first Oscar of the evening .... already? In past years, we'd barely gotten past the inevitable Jack Nicholson-sunglasses joke by this point in the program. I can swear I can remember past ceremonies that didn't even get to the first award until past 6 p.m. The first award goes to: "Elizabeth: The Golden Age" which wins for costume design. Just goes to show that the Academy never met a pair of Elizabethan tights it didn't like. Sorry, but "Across the Universe" and "Sweeney Todd" would have been much better picks in my book.

5:51 p.m.: Things are off to a slooooow start, if we're already being treated to an 80 Years of Oscar clips. Do you think at the 160th Oscars they'll still show that stripper running past David Niven?

5:53: I am SO enamored of "Persopolis," the amazing offering about a young woman growing up in pre- and post-Shah Iran, even though I know that "Ratatouille" probably has a lock on the animated feature category. And the Oscar goes to: The Rat. Drat. Director Brad Bird summarizes it aptly when he bounds on the podium and declares: "I think I'm going to throw up." OK, so maybe I'm being a little too hard here, but this was a chance for the Academy to honor a really different kind of animated film.

5:57: Best makeup design: "La Vie en Rose," which was a great call. If you saw this wonderful film about the life of Edith Piaf, you know that the lead character aged in spectacular fashion from winsome teen to disease-scarred oldster.

5:59: Amy Adams sings a song from "Enchanted" (I can't remember which one it was, they all seem interchangeable) so perky that several of my toes curdled. And this from a guy who just saw "The Little Mermaid" on Broadway.

6:06 p.m.: Forget the Oscars, Heather, ABC 30 is teasing "leaked plot lines from the 'Sex and the City' movie" on the late news!

6:08 p.m.: The Rock is the presenter for best visual effects, which goes to "The Golden Compass." Memo to the Rock: Next year, just look mean. Don't try to act, or they'll have to spice up your performance with best visual effects.

6:11: The technical categories are FLYING by, with art direction going to "Sweeney Todd." I'm happy to see this movie get a nod, especially because I don't think it has much of a chance in its later categories.

6:16 p.m.: Time for best supporting actor. Javier Bardem, he of the scariest haircut in cinematic history, might as well just start walking toward the podium now. Although I'd love to see it go to Hal Holbrook.

6:19 p.m.: "This is for Spain," Bardem says, racing through his speech as if he's being prodded in the butt with a pitchfork. A sweet nod toward Mom, however. What if this turns out to be the best speech of the evening?

6:22 p.m.: Could it be the most honest moment in Oscar history? Jon Stewart, who seems as if he's angling for the title of The Invisible Host, confides to the audience that the writers' strike is responsible for many of the interminable montages. But joking about montages and showing one about periscopes doesn't really work.

6:29 p.m.: Best short film award. Time to wash the dishes.

6:33 p.m.: Best animated short film award. Time to dry the dishes. No, but seriously, if I had to choose between Jerry Seinfeld doing his bit from "Bee Movie" and washing AND drying the dishes, I'd take the latter.

6:36 p.m.: Best supporting actress. Will Ruby Dee pick it up for "American Gangster"? And is it just me, or is it a little strange that the supporting actor/actress presenters -- Jennifer Hudson and Alan Arkin, who won the respective awards last year -- are stiffer than cardboard?

6:38 p.m.: A shock: Tilda Swinton wins the supporting actress Oscar. This could be a sign of things to come for "Michael Clayton," Swinton thanks her agent for having a butt like Oscar -- wow. He's going to get a lot of ladies trying to add him on Facebook. Swinton's speech is a keeper: elegant, breezy, funny and from the heart. My favorite so far of the evening.

6:46 p.m.: Josh Brolin and James McAvoy present the award for best adapted screenplay. Joel and Ethan Coen pick it up for "No Country for Old Men." Perhaps it's a sign that this isn't the night for "There Will Be Blood."

6:52 p.m.: Confession time: This is the first I've EVER seen or heard the Hannah Montana gal, and I have to say that Miley Cyrus is about 15,000 times more self-assured on stage than The Rock. By the way, did anyone see Ryan Seacrest panting after her billion-dollar net worth on the red carpet pre-show? Lock up your daughter's bank account, Mrs. Cyrus.

6:56 p.m.: OK, I LOVE Kristin Chenoweth. And I love Broadway production numbers. But this number from "Enchanted" was more boring than Grape Nuts with plain soy milk.

7:01 p.m.: A reader named Tiffany writes: "Sorry, is it just me or is this the most boring Oscars ever?" What do you all think, people?

7:05 p.m.: "The Bourne Ultimatum" picks up the nod for sound editing AND sound mixing. At this point you can say that none of the biggies ("No Country for Old Men," "There Will Be Blood," "Atonement") are on any kind of "Titanic"-like sweep. And what about that non-speech for sound editing? Do you think Karen Baker Landers and Per Hallberg will wake up every morning for the rest of their lives and regret the moment they looked stupid in front of hundreds of millions of people?

7:12 p.m.: We're already to best actress! I am SO rooting for Marion Cotillard in "La Vie en Rose.".

7:13 p.m.: And the winner is: Cotillard. Perhaps not the most articulate speech, but one of the most heartfelt. "You truly rocked my life," she says. "It is true there is some angels in this city." Go France! Consider this a wake-up call if you haven't yet seen this exceptional film: You'll watch "La Vie en Rose" and marvel that this beautiful woman was able to slip so deeply into this role.

7:19 p.m.: The moment I've been waiting for: Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova singing "Falling Slowly" from "Once," the little gem of a musical that captured so many hearts last summer. OK, I do have to admit that this arrangement was a little overproduced for me -- all that brass and those strings seemed to overwhelm the singers a little -- but it's still a gorgeous song. If it doesn't beat the three "Enchanted" songs and the "August Rush" number (which was a terrible movie, by the way) I'm going to take a Disney heroine hostage.

7:28 p.m.: Third technical award for "The Bourne Ultimatum," this one for film editing. Again, no love for "No Country for Old Men" and "There Will Be Blood."

7:32 p.m.: There's one time every year at the Oscars when I stop whatever it is I'm doing, walk up to the TV and am totally engrossed: It's the moment each year when they list the members of the Academy who died in the past year. I just find it totally touching. But I have to say that this year's montage of the best picture winners really came close to that emotional moment: It was such a treat to watch all those glorious titles glide by. Makes me want to take a week off from work and just watch movies.

7:39 p.m.: I've been checking my email all along, which is how I can tell you that it didn't take long for the studio publicists to kick into gear. I just received a "media alert" that "Peter and the Wolf" took home the award for best animated short film. Um, old news, guys.

7:41 p.m.: Jon Stewart makes a joke about -- oh my goodness, this is too weird, he said the joke 30 seconds ago and I've already forgotten it. (Oh yeah, it was something about having to start the show over again.) Stewart seems to be waking up every once in a while, staggering on stage and cracking a joke that he downloaded from the Internet. Is someone sedating him during the commercial breaks?

7:47 p.m.: If I have to listen to one more song from "Enchanted," I'm going to vomit.

7:51 p.m.: It is "Once" for original song! It's funny, I actually got more worked up (and am more excited about) this category than best picture. And Jon Stewart finally did make me laugh out loud when he followed Glen Hansard's humble speech by saying, "That guy is so arrogant." The audience roared instead of tittered.

7:58 p.m.: Another class act from Stewart: He calls "Once" winner Martina Irglova back on stage so she can say thank you after conductor Bill Conti cut her off.

8 p.m.: Best cinematography to "There Will Be Blood."

8:01 p.m. By the way, a catch-up from a while back: Did Penelope Cruz have a black Chia pet on the front of her dress?

8:05 p.m.: It's the Oscar memoriam montage. Sniffle. Gets me every time.

8:09 p.m.: The award for Best Original Score goes to: "Atonement." A nice score for a nice period film.

8:14 p.m.: It's fitting that the award for the documentary short subject was given by satellite from Iraq. (You can make soldiers get up at any hour of the day, which is convenient.) The short subject and documentary feature categories were dominated by films about war. I think it's remarkable that "Taxi to the Dark Side" beat out the much better known "Sicko." Although, come to think about it, perhaps the Academy voters were afraid of what Michael Moore might say if he got on stage.

8:24 p.m.: Harrison Ford (is he an actor or a car dealership? Jon Stewart, you are really starting to annoy me) is presenting the award for best original screenplay. And it goes to Diablo Cody for "Juno," a nice little nod to a film that will likely otherwise be shut out.

8:31 p.m.: It's the three-hour mark, folks, and I hate to admit this, but my mind is starting to wander. Thank goodness I can shop online at Amazon.

8:34 p.m.: Helen Mirren announces the inevitable: Daniel Day-Lewis has drunk everyone's milkshake. I suppose there's still a chance "There Will Be Blood" will swoop in and win the final two awards (director and picture), but my money is still on "No Country for Old Men." By the way, this seems to be the year for soft-spoken speeches; Daniel Day-Lewis is a class act. Also: Has there ever been a year in which all four major acting categories were won by non-Americans? Think about it: Tilda Swinton (Britain), Javier Bardem (Spain), Marion Cotillard (France) and Day-Lewis (Britain). Kind of cool, eh?

8:43 p.m.: It's the Coen brothers for "No Country." Shortest director acceptance speech ever from Ethan Coen.

8:45 p.m.: No surprises here: Best picture is "No Country for Old Men."

8:56 p.m.: Not that I'm going to read too much into what is simply an atrocious coincidence, but just as the acceptance speeches for best picture were winding down, the plumbing in my house erupted in a cacophony of disaster. My washing machine started draining all its water into my toilet and bathtub, which overflowed the bathroom and flooded into the master bedroom. So now we have all available towels soaking up what may or may not be sewage-tainted water on the hardwood floors. Is this a mere domestic blip? Or a metaphor for a sucky awards show? All I know is that I will forever associate "No Country for Old Men" with an exploding toilet.

But enough about me. Back to the job at hand: I thought Jon Stewart was really minor, if that's a possible adjective to use to describe his performance, and while I understand that he didn't have much time to prepare, the show just didn't seem to have much to hang it together. As for the awards themselves, they're pretty much what I expected (except for Tilda Swinton's win in the supporting actress category for "Michael Clayton.") But hey: I'm happy for "Once" and "No Country." And thanks to all of you who joined me on this live blog. Just think: A whole year before we have to see Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet.