Okay, you're Penelope Cruz. You're gorgeous. You've achieved critical acclaim in your career. You have an equally gorgeous best friend who is now pregnant and engaged.

However, you're still single and not getting any younger. Who do you choose as your baby daddy knight in shining armor?

Some history: You "dated" Tom Cruise for three years. (Cruz/Cruise - still funny!) You pretended not to notice that weird smell that follows Matthew McConaughey around for a whole year. Then there were the rumors about Orlando Bloom and Josh Hartnett. Alas, none proved to be el diamante in the rough.

But wait! Two more gentlemen appear on the horizon, offering up their gallantry to your loveliness. One has collected your phone number. The other has serenaded you. Do you choose Bachelor #1 or Bachelor #2?

Bachelor #1: Known for his sensitive (yet slightly cheesy) love songs, attraction to the giant boobies, and penchant for the white man's afro - it's John Mayer!

Bachelor #2: Not afraid to display his sexuality, yet clearly overcompensating for his shortcomings - or not - it's Prince!

Hmmm.... Why is it the prettiest women end up with the skeeziest guys? Since Matt Damon and Johnny Depp are already taken, I suggest you cut your losses, pull a Sheryl Crow and be done with it before you end up making the rounds with Zach Braff.

Good luck, sister.