I was not pleased when I heard that John Mayer was dating Jessica Simpson. I was worried she'd ruin his image. Boy, was I wrong.

What the hell has happened to Jessica Simpson? No, seriously. Click on this thumbnail and see the close-up. I want someone else's opinion on this.

Here is a picture of what she looked like when they first started dating, back when she still looked normal:

What has John Mayer done to her? All that girl had was her looks. It's like taking away an anteater's nose, or a crocodile's teeth. How will she survive in the wild now, John Mayer? How?

Wait a second. Was this your plan all along? You fake-dated Jessica Simpson in order to facilitate her demise, didn't you, you wily bastard. You knew she'd never fall victim to the vices that will inevitably destroy Lindsay Lohan's and Britney Spears' careers, so you had to find a way to eradicate Jessica's only claim to fame - her looks. I knew it! I knew there had to be a reason!

Well played, Mr. Mayer. Well played, indeed.