HMac: Dude. We missed K-Fed's birthday yesterday.

Mike Oz: The day Britney got out of rehab? The coincidence might make my brain explode.

HMac: Apparently Britney fled rehab a couple of days early so that she'd be
able to attend Kev's birthday party last night, which ended up being canceled. I'm guessing the image of Britney popping out of a giant cake with a five o'clock shadow on her melon and that extra rehab weight spilling out of a bikini was enough to make Kevin's brain explode.

Mike Oz: Damn, it's one thing to get your concert canceled because nobody loves you, but your birthday party? Couldn't he have trucked it over to Chuck E. Cheese's and invited some of Sean's and Sutton's Jayden's little play friends? Was Tara Reid double booked?

HMac: That reminds me - did you hear Tara Reid is planning to open a fast food restaurant? I was wondering who could possibly consume food sold by Tara Reid, but I can already envision the paparazzi photos of Britney sitting in the drive through, waiting for her Tara Reid Double-D-Licious Skankburger with extra cheese.

Mike Oz: She could make chicken nuggets in the shape of her disfigured boob. But screw Tara Reid. I wanna know what a guy like K-Fed gets for his birthday. Besides, of course, a bald, bloated, trying-not-to-binge ex-wife. A diamond-studded roachclip and a 12-er of Natty Ice?

HMac: Don't even think about getting him those - I already have mine wrapped. I know the perfect gift to give K-Fed: himself. Everyone who bought (or stole) his album should wrap it up and give it back to the one person who would truly appreciate it.

Mike Oz: You bought him a present? Laaaaaame. I bet you real money that K-Fed at least spent part of his birthday watching the "Jardashian" sex tape (do I have to say it? Language not safe for work). I just made that word up.

HMac: Which word? "Sex?" I've heard that word before - on T.V. I have cable, you know. We should really do something special to celebrate K-Fed's birthday. He is a Fresno institution, after all. What do you think?

Mike Oz: Like break dance?

HMac: No, not that special. Like - gather up some folks at Club Fred and have a party Saturday. Or - send him a card signed by everyone in Fresno. Or - sit out on the curb outside my apartment tonight in wifebeaters and flip-flops with socks, drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon out of paper bags and whistlin' at the 14-year olds who walk by while we take turns freestylin'.

Mike Oz: You'd pass up an all new "Grey's Anatomy" for K-Fed? Damn. How about I take my video camera out this weekend and we create a video birthday card from Fresno to K-Fed?

HMac: Yes. That totally works. We'll go out and seek those celebrating in their best K-Fed style. I say we start in Clovis.
And yes - I would definitely pass up Grey's after the crap they've been pulling lately. After "Lost," they're next on my chopping block.

Mike Oz: Geez, Heather, you're cutting off TV shows quicker than Britney and her hair. Wocka, wocka, wocka!

HMac: And we're done here.

Mike Oz: Happy Birthday, Kevin, yo!