So much has already happened in the gossip world, and it's only one week into the new year. Here's what you may have missed while you were crying over your already-broken New Year's resolutions in a chocolate-, tobacco- and alcohol-fueled haze of self-loathing:

Jessica Simpson and John Mayer make it official, destroying the dreams of millions of women and earning Mayer a big "Hells yes, bro!" from the testicle-having crowd.

Simpson's ex, Nick Lachey makes out with girlfriend and MTV filthy mouthpiece, Vanessa Minnillo, who manages to drop the F-bomb during the station's live New Year's coverage.

Britney Spears continues to make her mother proud, then blames the media for making her look bad.

Spears's ex, K-Fed, suplexes his last shred of dignity by appearing on the WWE again and unsuccessfully hitting on a clear-thinking and appendix-free Lindsay Lohan. However, the former Spederlines manage to salvage some bit of credibility by agreeing to share the responsibility of ruining their children's lives, at least for the month of January.

Paris Hilton fakes it during daylight hours, then gets hit in the eye by some frozen karma.

In compliance with an ongoing paternity suit, Anna Nicole Smith is court ordered to have her baby's DNA tested by January 23, further confusing a nation that never thought it would see the day when two men would actually want to claim responsibility for knocking Anna Nicole up.

Cameron Diaz finally realizes that Justin Timberlake will look 17 years old for the rest of his life, leaving him to take his momma to his big film premiere.

Tobey Maguire debuts his newest project, a daughter who has the name Ruby Sweetheart and a fantastic future working alongside Flo and Alice at Mel's Diner.

Indiana Jones in '08!

In a leaked New Year's resolutions list, Courtney Love vows to have only great sex, but immediately breaks her resolution when she settles for Billy Corgan.

Marilyn Manson's wife, Dita von Teese, unable to locate her husband, asks the media to give him the message that she's filing for divorce.

Chris Kattan gets engaged to a model named Sunshine Tutt, who will someday have a great career counseling the children of celebrities who have been given stupid names.

Younger Simpson sister Ashlee reminds everyone that she has boobies, too.

Rapper Busta Rhymes loses some of his street cred after he is arrested for assault, and the world finds out his real name is Trevor.

Wentworth Miller drives his gay fans wild by engaging in a game of deny-deny-deny.

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson, the noncouple, have a nonbreak-up.

And finally, a potential Royal Wedding. Really "royal" - not Tomkat "royal."

Divorces! Arrests! Emergency surgeries!

Oh yeah. This is going to be one hell of a year.