Here they are in all their glory.
1. Chace Cawford. I get this one confused with Zac Efron (they both look like Ellen DeGeneres to me), but I believe this is the one on “Gossip Girl.” He’s also soon to be in a remake of “Footloose,” at which point, People will be forced to revoke the “Hot Bachelor” title. Because he’s doing a remake of “Footloose.” Seriously.
4. Adam Lambert. Timely, People. Well played.
5. Ryan Eggold & Kellan Lutz. They’re best buds, so they have to share a picture, and since the picture is clearly meant to suggest these two clowns are some kind of Paul Newman/Robert Redford pairing, I’m ignoring it completely.
Except to say that the dude on the right looks like Kenny, the mentally challenged tiger.
6. Dwayne Johnson. 37 and divorced. Sing it with me: “One of these things is not like the other things…”
7. Brody Jenner. The perfect hot bachelor, if you like your hot bachelors with a generous helping of gonorrhea. I can’t get this guy’s lineage correct: he’s either famous for being the son of a used-up athlete, the stepbrother of someone famous for making a sex tape, or the ex-boyfriend of someone on a heavily scripted “reality” show. Either way, he had his own show called “Bromance,” and now he’s on a list of hot, eligible bachelors for the second year in a row, so we should all agree as a society to simply end the species now. Try again, science (or God, if that’s the way your Creationist cookie crumbles).
8. Common. I see what you’re doing here, People, but I’m okay with this. At least you didn’t go with this fool.
9. Taylor Kitsch. This is that chick, right? The one who sings country music?
10. Robert Pattinson. Who doesn’t love a British accent? (I can’t hate on this one or Kathy will put me on “American Idol” duty.)
There are plenty more gloriously hot bachelors to behold in the People issue, I am certain, so make sure to pick that up next time you’re standing in line at SaveMart. As for me, I’m off to get an AARP card, some cats and a Hover Round because I am done.