People’s hottest bachelors leave me cold
People magazine released its always amusing list of the hottest bachelors of 2009, and I’ll be straight with you: if these are the hottest bachelors, I’m signing up for spinsterhood right now.
Here they are in all their glory.
1. Chace Cawford. I get this one confused with Zac Efron (they both look like Ellen DeGeneres to me), but I believe this is the one on “Gossip Girl.” He’s also soon to be in a remake of “Footloose,” at which point, People will be forced to revoke the “Hot Bachelor” title. Because he’s doing a remake of “Footloose.” Seriously.
2. Chris Pine. Meh. I didn’t see “Star Trek,” but this guy seems kind of bland. At least Zachary Quinto picks up his dog’s poop and makes for good GIFs.
3. Shia LaBeouf. Dirty. Drunk. Damaged.
4. Adam Lambert. Timely, People. Well played.
5. Ryan Eggold & Kellan Lutz. They’re best buds, so they have to share a picture, and since the picture is clearly meant to suggest these two clowns are some kind of Paul Newman/Robert Redford pairing, I’m ignoring it completely.
Except to say that the dude on the right looks like Kenny, the mentally challenged tiger.
6. Dwayne Johnson. 37 and divorced. Sing it with me: “One of these things is not like the other things…”
7. Brody Jenner. The perfect hot bachelor, if you like your hot bachelors with a generous helping of gonorrhea. I can’t get this guy’s lineage correct: he’s either famous for being the son of a used-up athlete, the stepbrother of someone famous for making a sex tape, or the ex-boyfriend of someone on a heavily scripted “reality” show. Either way, he had his own show called “Bromance,” and now he’s on a list of hot, eligible bachelors for the second year in a row, so we should all agree as a society to simply end the species now. Try again, science (or God, if that’s the way your Creationist cookie crumbles).
8. Common. I see what you’re doing here, People, but I’m okay with this. At least you didn’t go with this fool.
9. Taylor Kitsch. This is that chick, right? The one who sings country music?
10. Robert Pattinson. Who doesn’t love a British accent? (I can’t hate on this one or Kathy will put me on “American Idol” duty.)
There are plenty more gloriously hot bachelors to behold in the People issue, I am certain, so make sure to pick that up next time you’re standing in line at SaveMart. As for me, I’m off to get an AARP card, some cats and a Hover Round because I am done.
Responses to "People’s hottest bachelors leave me cold"
OMG!!! Common! YUM-MMEEEEE!
Kanye, VOOO-MIT!
Ok, that’s a bad pic of Taylor Kitsch http://craignj.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/taylor-kitsch2.jpg
Dude… YUMMY!
Oh and I love my some Rob Pattinson
I dunno … I just want to pull that Taylor guy’s hair back with a scrunchie. He looks like Bruno.
I agree with most of your assessment H, shocking I know. This does not negate the dueling gingers oil-wrestling cagematch (with bacon) however.
But I am surprised you did not comment on how People increased the number of gay boys on this list to 3 over last year’s 1.
Three? Six, at least. Maybe seven.
OMG! Hahahahaha!!! I’m a nerd and Taylor K was in X-Men as Gambit… yummy!
To clarify:
OUT gay boys.
Thanks for the restraint Heather. Rob Pattinson just keeps getting better in my book. And, after seeing Star Trek, I see why Chris Pine made the list. The rest I’m with you on.
Once again, where are the pictures of Megan Fox?!?
I’m with Mike! Where’s the bachelorette list?
The Rock will layeth the smacketh down all these candy asses!!
Here.
weak…
*still waiting for props for comparing Kellan Lutz to Kenny, the mentally challenged tiger*
The rest “yawn” ( sorry Kathy, a not dangerous vampire just doesn’t do it for me), but Chris Pine is very attractive and far too much fun in the movie. Granted, I think that Spock was much more attractive than Kirk ( in the new movie), but I like those brooding Emo boys, can’t help it.
HILARIOUS! *So* glad I found this today. Even though I think a couple of the guys on the list are cute — which doesn’t necessarily mean “hot” — I *loved* all the comments! Thanks.