Ah, the Internet. Has there ever been a better medium for asserting one’s superiority over others? I mean, from the comfort of
mom’s basement your home, you can sit at your computer and destroy others’ lives with your superior knowledge and unmatched ability to cut people down. Funsies!
To keep the proud flaming tradition going, I’m offering up a very quick guide to spelling errors most frequently made in the comments section of this blog. Learn these easy spelling rules, and not only will others be daunted by your amazing wit, they’ll think you finally mastered fourth grade.
Here it is, quick and dirty. Feel free to print this out and tape it to your monitor for quick reference. (Disclaimer: I’m by no means an expert in grammar or spelling. I did, however, finish elementary school.)
Its vs. It’s
Its: Belonging to it
It’s: Contraction of “it is”
Usage: It’s certain Jessica Simpson’s new reality show will tank. Maybe they can give her rack its own spin-off, though.
There: Mostly indicates location, or a certain reference point
Their: Belonging to them
They’re: Contraction of “they are”
Usage: There certainly has been a lot of ink spilled on this “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ crap. Their kids are going to be traumatized for life knowing they’re the products of a fame-hungry, possum-haired bitch and a horny zombie.
Your vs. You’re
Your: Belonging to you
You’re: Contraction of “you are”
Usage: Your blog posts are the lamest pieces of s*** ever written, Hmac. You’re nothing but an entitled bitch sullying the good name of journalists, I mean, bloggers, everywhere.
Apostrophes: Often, but not always, indicate possession (also used in contractions. See above re: it’s, they’re and you’re)
Wrong usage: Britney Spears ate all the donut’s. (Ate the donut’s what?)
Correct usage: Britney Spears ate all the donuts, and many of the pies, too.
There! Easy, right? Trick of the trade: knowing how to spell simple, commonly used words allows you to pepper your comments with fun, nonreal words like “hella,” “funsies” and “nonreal” without anyone questioning your intelligence.
Armed with your new knowledge, you’re free to pick out your best fictional badass name (Tyler Durden is a good one — so tough! — but Travis Bickle works, too), and get to work proving you’re better than everybody. So get to it! There’s a whole wide world of Internet users just waiting to be flamed by you.
(Come back next week and we’ll cover misapplied quotation marks used to indicate sarcasm!)