By now, you’ve heard that Forbes ranked Fresno as the dirtiest city in the country, a designation based on air quality and water cleanliness. Ya know, science and stuff. Most Fresnans reacting to this news, however, have been using the ranking as a reason to spout off about how dirty the city is in more visible ways, like litter on the freeway. (And they’ve proven they didn’t actually read the story, way to go, guys!)
Since you Fresnans want the other kinda dirty, and Forbes ain’t measuring that, we at The Beehive have culled together 11 other things that make Fresno dirty. Fair warning: Some of what you’ll find below is a tad NSFW and thus, not fit for clean minds. Oh, the filth. Let’s roll around in it.
11. The Dirty Dowdy podcast
It’s right there in the name! Dirty. Having been a guest on the Dowdy podcast, I can attest there’s nothing clean about these foul-mouthed gabbers. They’re funny, sure, but definitely dirty.
An Instagram account exists that’s called @Fresno_Hoes, which sounds like something your grandma should totally follow on her iPad. Or not. To be fair, it’s a private account and it could very well be posting garden tools. I have no idea
because my darn follow request hasn’t been approved yet because I’m an upstanding human being.
9. The Underground Gardens
Fresno’s most unique tourist attraction is … underground. We love the Foresterie Underground Gardens – and aren’t trying to insult them at all – but how could an underground garden be anything expect dirty?
8. The Dirty Dirties
The Fresno rock band The Dirty Dirties are so dirty that it had to put “dirty” in its name twice. Trivia: The band used to call itself The Dirty Sanchez. If you’ve made it this far in your life and you don’t know what that is, bless you.
7. Your car
Have you noticed how many car washes have been opening lately? They’re like Walgreens or something. You know what this means, Fresnans? You have some dirty cars, people know and they’re coming to take your money because of it. You poor, dirty suckers!
6. Your favorite restaurant
Have you checked out The Bee’s restaurant inspection database? Let’s just say it might change your dining habits. There are 10 pages of eateries with “significant violations” — everything from Buffalo Wild Wings, Denny’s and McDonald’s to Livingstone’s and World Sports Cafe. Have fun eating lunch today.
5.Timmy T’s Twitter feed
Fresno’s favorite singing son, Timmy T, of “One More Try” fame uses Twitter to often talk about sex and his genitals. It’s like “Loveline,” but wackier and with more mention of Starbucks.
4. Bruce the Mole Man
One of Fresno’s viral claims to fame is the story of homeless man Bruce the Mole Man who chose to live underground a few years back. Any news story that includes a reporter yelling a man’s name followed by “I found his hole” automatically makes the dirty list.
3. The elf with the penis hand on Christmas Tree Lane
Is it a penis? Is it a mitten? Is it both? Is there a surgery for that? Oh, the questions. We’ve talked about this before, but every December, you can’t help but think about this little guy when you’re out on The Lane ho-ho-ho-ing.
2. The discarded dirty boxers near my house
True story: I saw the same pair of abandoned dirty boxer shorts in an empty housing lot in my neighborhood for at least a month while going on walks with my son and dog. They just sat there. Even the dog knew not to touch them. And he licks belly-buttons.
You all knew what was going to be No. 1, right? Golddiggers is not just a strip club, it’s the strip club you’d find in a horror movie about chainsaw-massacring strippers. It’s dark and sketchy and you feel like you could die at any moment and nobody would be surprised. It seems like, however, the type of place to pride itself on being the dirtiest place in Fresno. So congrats, Golddiggers.