Kasey Kahl, who briefly put Clovis on the map as a place that produces really odd-duck bachelors, got dumped last night on “The Bachelorette” — and not a moment too soon. At least the way the show’s producers framed it, we were about this close to having the Icelandic authorities arrive and gently whisk Kasey away to a padded place where everyone involved could be safe and happy.
Of course, what really happened — as opposed to the edited version designed for maximum TV impact — will probably remain forever shrouded, unless Kasey breaks his confidentiality agreement. But at least for purposes of the show, Kasey got cast as the creepy, mumbling, tattoo-procuring, obsessive suitor who tried just a little too hard. Sample soundbite: “I’m Kasey. I’m a dreamer. I’m a believer. I love to love. I love to give. I love to share. If I get sent home, that’s gonna destroy me.”
Um, no thanks, said bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky, who left Kasey on a glacier in Iceland.
UPDATE: I’ve posted after the jump my recap of choice Kasey moments from the show.
“THE BACHELORETTE” in Iceland, the Kasey Kahl Edition
Show opens. The nine guys and Ali are off to Iceland, land of snug sweaters and big hot tubs. In a moment of profundity, Ali observes that Iceland is a place where you can find cold (glaciers!) and hot (volcanos!). Deep thinker, that Ali.
First challenge: The guys have to write a love poem to Ali. Extra credit for using Icelandic words. Shot of Kasey sitting on a bench writing. “I got it, I got it,” he says, scribbling furiously.
In the meantime, the show devotes many minutes to a relentless hyping of upcoming scenes. (Hey, it has a two-hour running time. There’s a lot of padding involved.) And many of the promos for tonight’s show involve Kasey. Most important, he tells us, is figuring out how and when he’s going to reveal his tattoo, which if you recall was a major plot point in last week’s show. For those who missed it, Kasey — eager to prove his devotion to Ali — went out and got a tattoo (his first) of a shielded heart on his wrist surrounded by 11 studs, to signify the 11 he-men after her heart. (I am not making this up.) At first he told the other guys in the group that he’d been burned, but eventually word leaked out that he’d taken the plunge and gotten inked. (Photo: celebritysmackblog.com)
Through it all, Kasey demonstrates a compulsive use of the word “heart” in conversation. “I’ve got my heart on my sleeve,” he says. Later: “I’ve got the biggest heart in the world.” And: “I’m here to guard and protect Ali’s heart.” Idea for new drinking game: Take a swig every time Kasey mentions the “H” word. Is it just me, or does Ali wince a little every time he says it?
Ali sits on a bench. The guys take turns to recite their love poems. They are uniformly awful. One contestant speaks of “falling into your rich root-beer eyes.” (Hey, extra points for figurative language, at least.) But at least the other guys can be understood. Kasey, who already has a tendency to mumble, descends into full-fledged inarticulation mode. (One contestant says later: “I think his lips were a little frozen.”) In fact, producers have to run subtitles for portions of his poem, which goes like this:
I’m here to guard and protect Ali’s heart.
In the mind and heart of one thought,
My body is cold as ice.
But the belief in what’s to come transcends
the doubt and becomes very precise.
I’m falling, Ali, and I just want you to know …
And I promise you Ali, you’ll always have my (unintelligible).
We’re all guessing he uses the Icelandic word for “heart.”
Ali’s reaction? A sort of vacant smile, similar to her response when Kasey tried to sing to her last week. He doesn’t win the poem competition, probably because she couldn’t understand a word he said.
More upcoming scenes. Intense moment between Kasey and Frank, who asks how he’s doing. Kasey replies: “I want her all to myself. I don’t want to share. I’m not trying to just stick around.. I’m trying to be the man of her dreams. That’s why I got this tattoo, to be someone.”
Frank says later: “I think this experience is pushing Kasey over the edge.”
Um, you think?
OK, so moving on. Ali goes out with Kirk (the winner of the poetry contest) on a coveted single date, and he drops his big secret: He almost died of asbestos/mold poisoning because he was living in a dangerous place in college. (The implication: It was the kind of condemned frat-house that smells from half a block away.) How can the rest of the guys top that? You’d have to be able to claim complete recovery from elephantitis or something like that. Makes a tattoo seem downright, well, pedestrian.
Meanwhile, Kasey learns that he’s been relegated to the dreaded “two-on-one” date, which is the worst option because the one guy Ali doesn’t give a rose to automatically gets sent home. Worse yet, Kasey is paired with Justin, the limping professional wrestler, who has been claiming all this time to having a bum leg but who has now mysteriously “healed” enough for the cast to get cut off. (The “Bachelorette” producers thoughtfully provide an assistant with a saw to do with the honors.) There’s an attempt to set up the contest as a grudge match between the two men, with lots of ominous looks from Justin and comments about thrashing his opponent, but who are we kidding? The hook here is whether Kasey is going to have a complete breakdown.
“If I’m not here for love,” Kasey says, “I don’t know what I’m here for.”
Then he frets: Should he show her the tattoo? He doesn’t want to unleash it on her like a last-chance, nuclear option. He dreams more of an intimate little moment in which he casually says, “Oh, honey, by the way, I had myself permanently marked in your honor. Now please don’t dump me.”
While Kasey and Justin are stranded at the hotel, Ali is out on a “group date” with six of the guys, which involves riding horses, exploring a cave, and stripping down to a bikini to splash in a big, hot lake. One by one, she calls the guys over, where she kisses on them a bit. “What an amazing day,” she slurs. Yeah, amazing for all the different bacteria swimming around inside her mouth. Is she trashed?
Finally, it’s time for Kasey’s “two on one date.” He, Justin and Ali board a helicopter and fly over a volcano. Kasey says he’s willing to go through any amount of pain to be with Ali (hence the tattoo, he reminds us). Would he jump in the volcano?
They land and find an ice cave romantically strewn with lighted candles. Must get the name of that event planner.
Kasey talks some more about his favorite organ (“I’ve got the biggest heart in the world”) and tries to figure out how to make the big revelation. Meanwhile, Ali tells the audience: “The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal.”
Good luck, Ali.
The moment comes. In the middle of a rambling conversation about how important it is to “be yourself,” Kasey fumbles with his hands and shows her his tattoo. Will she be impressed? Or slap him with a restraining order?
“Your mom’s going to kill you!” she says. Uh-oh. Mentioning mom. Not a good sign.
“My mom’s going to love it,” he says, a little defiantly.
You have to hand it to Ali. She’s actually pretty kind. She doesn’t mock him. Instead, she says she likes the tattoo because it will remind him that he “won’t ever change.” Then, the dreaded words: There’s gotta be a woman out there for him. It just isn’t, well, Ali. “I think you’re really great. But I don’t want to hold you back. I want you to go find her. I don’t want you to change.”
Just stay at least 200 yards away from me at all times, eh?
She makes her decision quickly. She gives the rose to Justin. Then she and Justin climb into the helicopter and leave the forlorn Kasey on the glacier, where he either 1) tromped through 100 miles of snow and nearly died getting back to Reykjavik; or 2) got in another helicopter.
And thus concludes the journey of the guy from Clovis, who, like it or not, will probably be better remembered for his few minutes of fame than most of the other guys on the show, including the eventual winner. In his exit interview he seems a little sad: “I wanna find someone who is going to be there for me.” But I also detect a hint of relief, like he’s glad the whole thing is over. And, again, we don’t know what happened behind the scenes. I’m curious: Was it really Kasey’s idea for the tattoo? Or the producers’? (At the very least, they had to give their blessing.) Was he really all that head-over-heels for her, or was it just an act?
Meanwhile, Ali says: “I’m 100 percent positive I made the right choice. I think he fell in love with the idea of being in love. I didn’t feel it on my end.”
But, she adds: Pulling off in the helicopter and leaving Kasey on the glacier sort of sucked.
Yes to that. There are a lot of spectacular ways to get dumped. But Kasey Kahl can be proud knowing that he set a new standard.