Sandra Bullock is not pregnant.

People.com just thought you should know that. Feel free to go about your lives now.

No, wait! Nicole Ritchie has gained five pounds.

Okay. Now go.

Oh, and that he's writing a book about his time in Louisiana growing up with the pop tart.

Jason Alexander was married to Britney Spears for 55 hours before the marriage was annulled, and he promises Britain's The Sun that the book will contain everything you want to know about Britney's interest in other girls ("She found other girls attractive, yes, but we never did anything about it"), why she had to leave Kevin ("Further up the ladder this is a corporate thing -- and they decide about certain changes") and how she lost the baby weight ("She had a tummy tuck after the birth of her second child").

He also says of the book that

"Britney knows about it. There are things in the book that will upset her. There will be things in the book she will be mad at... It's all the details of the wedding and all the stuff that's been going on... It talks about everything. There is no holding back because that's what people want to know about...It does feature our sex life. It does feature having sex with her and what that was like."

Oh, believe me. I think we have a pretty clear picture.

Britney Spears buys some underwear, and a nation weeps with joy.

Behold: a Christmas miracle.

If you're a giant geek Harry Potter fan like me, you'll be happy to know that Leaky Cauldron.org has posted the trailer for the fifth movie, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, on its site.

Revel in the glorious wand action, Harry's new, grown-up smooching look, Gary Oldman's flowing locks and a really cool shot of a wizard drive-by past the Palace of Westminster in London.

I'm so not a 30-year old virgin living in my mom's basement, I swear. Mom doesn't even have a basement.

Boy-bander pop star Famous divorce-ayyy Nick Lachey, who, confident in the knowledge he will sell another record in his lifetime, bought a one-third ownership in triple-A baseball team the Washington Rainiers.

I just had a thought, y'all: Kevin Federline's The Fresno Grizz-izzles. Who's with me?

Second place goes to Pamela Anderson, who hopes her divorce to Kid "Bob Ritchie" Rock will be amicable and quiet. This comes after rumors that her appearance in the movie Borat (good call, Mike Oz!), and her consistent partying are to blame for the split. In keeping with Pam's privacy request, I will not go ahead and speculate that the split had something to do with Pam turning into the drag queen version of herself. Yowza.

So. You're Michael Richards. You've insulted millions of people and have pretty much guaranteed that no one in Hollywood will want to work with you ever again. You've even inspired community leaders to demand a change in the American lexicon (and rightly so). Who do you want to rush to your defense? Jesse Jackson? Jerry Seinfeld?

Um, no. Mel Gibson, who is no doubt breathing a sigh of relief and penning his letter of thanks to Richards as we speak.

Okay, Mel sucks and Michael Richards sucks, but you know who I'm really worried about? Danny DeVito, who appeared on "The View" this week, slurring his words and telling rambling stories about sleeping in the White House's Lincoln Bedroom. He blames a night out drinking with George Clooney, but I suggest he leave Clooney out of this, as Clooney is used to drinking with grown men. Because Danny DeVito is short, get it? HA.

Whatever. You try to make a joke about DeVito that nature hasn't already made.

Today Don Cheadle and Felicity Huffman announced the nominees for the 2007 Independent Spirit Awards, which will air live February 24 on the Independent Film Channel. Nominees include Best Feature wannabe Little Miss Sunshine and Best Director hopeful Robert Altman (R.I.P.)

I'd like to say that I've seen all of these films, and that I am edgy and cultured and cerebral. I'd like to say that, but I'm too busy watching some dude hump express his love to a donkey in Clerks II, which came out today on DVD.
Snootchie bootchies.

People.com is reporting that the critically acclaimed musician Britney Spears and her partner in jaw-dropping skankiness crime, the equally-renowned songstress Paris Hilton, will host the Billboard Music Awards Monday, live from Las Vegas. The program will air on the always-classy FOX, who made the snap decision to tap Spears after her third set of crotch shots appeared on the Interweb this week.

Those who will perform at the show include Gwen Stefani, Mary J. Blige, Ludacris, and the Fray. Spears and Hilton are not set to perform, as they will be spending the time between now and Monday learning how to read the teleprompter.

Look, I'm just as sick of Britney as you are (we're sickney, get it? I rule!), but we just have to face facts right now: she's is a force bigger than the lot of us. We have no power here, and can only hope that she chooses to wield her power in a benevolent manner. And that she maybe put some panties on before climbing out of luxury vehicles from now on.

In a landmark move, the long-running soap opera "All My Children" will introduce to its loyal viewership a transgender character by the name of Zarf (Yes, Zarf). Zarf is believed to be the first transgender character to appear in a soap opera, and if you're not sure what transgender means, don't be alarmed. I had to double-check, myself.

According to Wikipedia, transgender is

an overarching term applied to a variety of individuals, behaviors, and groups involving tendencies that diverge from the normative gender role (woman or man) commonly, but not always, assigned at birth, as well as the role traditionally held by society

There. Now go forth and impress your SoapNet-watching friends with your newfound knowledge. They'll be thankful to take a break from talking about Adam Chandler, that sexy beast.

Everyone's favorite hometown hero, Kevin Federline, will appear on an episode of "1 vs. 100" this Friday at 8 p.m. on NBC.

I've never seen the program, so I don't know how the game show works, but I have to say, K F'ed actually comes off almost likeable in this clip from TMZ.com. He's going up against a guy who looks like Napolean Dynamite's Jon Heder, so that's already a point in his favor. And when one of the answers turns out to be about the Mickey Mouse Club (Britney's alma mater) he makes a little joke about being "familiar with the family," even though things had to have been, um, rocky between the couple when the show was filmed.

I swear, the more Britney flashes her business around town, the better this guy looks. Shut up, I'm serious.

Mike Oz already covered the Pamela Anderson Lee Rock split, but you should probably know that Hilary Duff and Joel Madden also called it quits recently. Wait, who? Yeah, I don't know either.

But I do know it had nothing to do with being a virgin for, like, ever or having comically oversized horse teeth.

Oh, and Jude Law and Sienna Miller may be getting back together again. Whatever. Remember when Jude was actually hot and not some broke-ass lame-o? Me neither.

Britney Spears did.

Look, I know I've been getting a lot of mileage out of Britney lately (That's what he said! Zing!), but she makes it so damn easy, y'all. She is an Anna Nicole-sized trainwreck:

Can someone tell Michael Richards what Black Friday means before he makes a fool of himself, please?

If you're Paris Hilton and you have a reputation for being a stage-puking, panty-flashing, fight-inducing skank, what do you do to improve your image?

Hang out with Britney Spears, of course. Suddenly Paris looks cleaner, classier and downright demure. And all because of this. I've said it before and I'll say it again: We can't blame Kevin for everything.

Oh, and Tom Cruise? You may want to keep your young bride away from the girls. You just never know.

Rumors are circulating that Orlando Bloom, tired of the injuries sustained by ex-girlfriend Kate Bosworth's flesh-puncturing clavicles, has begun dating the relatively normal-sized Kirsten Dunst. Says a source:

"Orlando likes that she can look a bit disheveled"

The Good: While you were anticipating a nice, long tryptophan coma, Heidi Klum was delivering her own little Butterball into the world: Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel, 8 pounds, 11 ounces, born Wednesday. In the time it took you to work out how to pronounce the kid's name, Heidi went ahead and lost all of the baby weight, so feel free to mutilate the free Victoria's Secret tote you got as a reward for getting your sorry self to the mall at 4 a.m this morning.

The Bad: Tawny Kitaen, former Whitesnake video mainstay, was charged with felony drug possession Wednesday in her Laguna Niguel apartment. Kitaen is probably best known for that one Whitesnake video, 1984's Bachelor Party, and...um.... now this, I guess.

Oh, thank goodness. We can totally go back to hating on Britney Spears. It was a tough 10 days or so, sympathizing with Brit-Brit because of the sudden! divorce! announcement! and K-Fed's shower door ode to being a great dad and husband. Everyone was so happy to see Britney showing up on Letterman, looking all baby fat-less in that horrible scarecrow bob. How willing we were to forget the public toilet thing, and the baby endangerment thing, and that gum-smackingly horrific interview with Matt Lauer. But that madness ends today, my friend. Why?

Because Britney Spears was spotted hanging out in Las Vegas this weekend with everyone's favorite skank rebound friend Paris Hilton, chain-smoking and dancing so vigorously she had to take off her pants. Her pants. Even worse, she may have been trying to hook up with Mario Lopez. While wearing really bad hair extensions!

I never thought I'd say this, but... where can I get a Team Kevin T-shirt?

Oh, Lindsay.

Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. Do you not get enough attention, sweetie? First the Fez thing, then the weird karate. Then there was the bulimia mysterious weight loss and the drug admission allegations. And now there are accusations that you've been cutting yourself? Really?

Look, your dad is a jailbird and your mom is a complete nightmare. But is it all that bad? You have a blooming career. Your co-stars seem to admire your talent. Hell, Jane Fonda is ready to take your pale, freckled little self under her wing and become the structure and guiding she-figure you've never had. Cutting is not the answer, dearheart.

How do I know? If I learned anything from watching 10 years of Beverly Hills, 90210, it's that you shouldn't cut yourself because you could totally ruin your life couture.

News Corp., finally coming to its ever-lovin' senses, has canceled the O.J. Simpson book and television special "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened."

Numerous Fox affiliates, including the one in Fresno, had refused to air the broadcast, citing viewers' disgust.

Shoot, if I'd known it was that easy to get disgusting programming pulled off television, I would have started making calls about this guy long ago.

It's Monday morning. Tom and Katie are married. The Internet gossip landscape is once again serene, lying in repose for the next wave of divorces/engagements/stupid Lindsay Lohan quotes. What's a poor desk jockey to do?

Before you attempt anything as desperate as actual work, check out this collection of ridiculously entertaining videos instead. The premise is simple -- a man in a lab coat and safety goggles blends things. It may sound lame, but you haven't seen what a group of golf balls looks like after a date with Tom Dickson and his amazing Blendtec. I guarantee that this site will keep you occupied for a good 6 or 7 minutes, and your boss will think you're looking at some kind of corporate safety instruction video.

Enjoy, my friend. And, of course, don't try this at home.

With the announcement of the first good decision Britney has made in, well, ever, and the Tom and Katie wedding bonanza, celebrity break-ups and marriages have been dominating the gossip landscape more than ever. As a sucker for year-end lists and round-ups, I'm dying to know: Who is winning the 2006 relationship race, Team Wedding or Team Divorce?

According to People.com, Katie Holmes surrendered both her singlehood and her once promising career to the Guy Formerly Known as Maverick in a Scientologist ceremony held Saturday in Bracciano, Italy.

Throughout the weekend, an insane number of details about the ceremony was released to the site so that the few of us who weren't invited (Hi, Oprah) could satiate our sick need to know what color marzipan flowers the couple ultimately chose for their cake.

So that we may judge them.

Thankfully, US Weekly Online's blog, This Minute, has provided a forum: its Hot Bodies Poll, where you can judge the likes of Beyonce and Brad (from 1-10), and see how they rate overall (6.5, both of them!)

I gave Fergie a 1, but I'm actually starting to feel bad about that. Christina Aguilera totally deserved her 2, though. All the Marilyn Monroe dresses in the world won't erase the memory of this.

Hands down, People.com has the best coverage of this Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes wedding spectacle. Hands down. Don't believe me? Check this out:

Here's the thing: I do not have TiVo. I just barely got an iPod, and I still do not own a cell phone. It's going to be a good 3 or 4 years before I decide TiVo is worth it.

Hence, NBC's crappy "super-sized" schedule, which put "The Office" on from 8:35-9:20 p.m. Thursday, hurt me. Why?

Here's an intriguing question: With whom would you rather be trapped on an island - Angelina Jolie or Borat? Maxim magazine has named them the co-Hottest Stars of the Year, but Popsugar.com wants to know who, truly, is hotter?

So you tell me: sex on a stick? Or laughing your ass off?

It's been at least 10 minutes, and I know you're jonesing for your Kevin Federline update. I'm nothing if not accommodating, so here you are:

Last night Emmitt Smith was crowned winner (and I use that term very loosely) of the show "Dancing with the Stars."

I've never seen the show, so I missed out on all the drama and suspense, but I do know this: somewhere in the world, Zach Morris and the Doritos girl are laughing their asses off.

George Clooney has been named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive for 2006.

The magazine has also named water as 2006's wettest liquid and air as the most breathable substance.
For all your Sexiest Men needs, People.com has put together this handy flipbook of the winner and runners-up, including Patrick "McDreamy" Dempsey, Taye Diggs (if I see that "Daybreak" commercial one more time, I'm going to hurt myself), Johnny Depp, Jake Gyllenhaal and The Man Who Will Be My Husband , John Krasinski from The Office.

Un-freakin-believable. Associated Press is reporting that O.J. Simpson has participated in an television interview and book about the murders of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman:

When asked last weekend by TMZ.com if he had anything to say about his ex, Britney Spears, filing for divorce from Kevin Federline, Justin Timberlake sarcastically answered back:

"Yeah, there's a war going on in Iraq."

Nick Lachey, apparently forgetting what it's like to be committed to a horrifyingly dumb career-driven blond pop star, has announced his desire to tour with Britney Spears once her album is finished:

"If she puts together a great record, and I'm confident she will, I think she'll be right back to where she was."

I couldn't be less interested about this weekend's nuptials of Katie Holmes to Tom Cruise in Italy, but I do understand that others are interested, so I am sharing this slightly disturbing report about the less-than-mom-like undergarments Katie plans to wear on her wedding night and honeymoon.
Let's take a moment to remember who, exactly, she will be wearing the "lace bra decorated with Swarovski crystals" and matching thong for:

This winter, while you're cursing P, G & E and wondering what the likelihood is you'll get caught using your fireplace on a no-burn day, please stop and take a moment to think about those who don't even have gas or electricity. That's right, Selfish. Anna Nicole Smith hasn't seen hard times like this since she was a struggling young stripper mother in Texas.

Sweetie, when you make the talky sounds with your mouth, other people can hear you.
I thought we learned that lesson after the book thing.

First Bobby and Whitney, then Britney and Kevin. Now People.com is reporting that Jude Law and Sienna Miller have ended their storybook relationship for good, leading me to believe that romantic love is dead and gone.

I mean, if a guy known primarily for humping the help and a girl known for wisely taking back the guy who humped the help can't make it happen, what chance do the rest of us have?

You know there is something wrong in this world when Dog the Bounty Hunter is eating at a Beverly HIlls restaurant you can't even afford to drive past.

I wonder if Beth busted out her special occasion shoes?

If a celebrity has a baby and no one cares, does that baby, indeed, exist?

Britain's News of the World, trying hard to live up to its claim of being the "Sunday Newspaper of the Year," reported yesterday that the man we've been laughing at for nearly a week (K F'ed, as I endearingly call him), may in fact be holding an ace in the hole (*cough*) in his divorce dealings with Britney: a sex tape that the always-classy couple made on their honeymoon: