1. "Fergalicious" -- Oh, it's gonna be one of those kinda albums. This song borrows leisurely from JJ Fad's "Supersonic" and Afrorican's "Give It All You Got." But Fergie's average demographic wasn't alive when those songs came out, so I'm sure they could care less. Also interesting: She says, "I ain't promiscuous." Ohhhh, kick her butt, Nelly!

2. "Clumsy" -- Fergie admits she's clumsy. Now if she could just admit she's a talentless hack, we'd be getting somewhere. There's some weird electronic noises in here, like KITT is singing back-up or something. Kinda annoying.

3. "All That I Got (The Make Up Song)" -- On this song, Fergie tries to do that whaling Mariah Carey thing. Who thought that was a good idea? Speaking of good ideas, her Black Eyed Peas' boss will.i.am comes on and "raps." He gives us stellar stuff like "One and two, I'm in love with you / Three and four, you're all I adore." Yeah, I think I wrote a love poem like that once. In fourth grade.

4. "London Bridge" -- How come every time I heard this song, my IQ points go down?

5. "Pedestal" -- How's this for backward. On this song, she uses the melody "London Bridge is Falling Down." I'm not the only one who that's a little odd, right? I mean, the song after "London Bridge." She also does some wannabe Christina Aguilera voice stuff. Basically, avoid this song at all costs.

6. "Voodoo Doll" -- The imitation continues. This sounds like a wannabe No Doubt song, except for with Fergie's not-quite singing, not-quite rapping, kinda-just-talking-loud style. I tell ya, this girl is an innovator.

7. "Glamorous" -- Fergie starts this one spelling out the song title. A nod to her earnest beginnings perhaps. "K-I-D-S! Yeah!" Anyway, this song was better when Gwen Stefani made it, too. Ludacris drops by for an underwhelming appearance and we keep snoozing along.

8. "Here I Come" -- Here, Fergie and Will pull a Puff Daddy and jack some Temptations. The Motown classic "Get Ready" becomes "Here I Come." Once again, Fergie is trying to rap. And once again, my ears are trying to kill my brain.

9. "Velvet" -- This is Fergie's sexy song. It's a basic smooth-sounding ballad. There's no rapping, shouting and other crazy noises going on. It's just you and Fergie's voice. Scary, isn't it? Pay special attention to when she tries to carry a high-note near the end and gets all Kermit the Frog.

10. "Big Girls Don't Cry" -- And bad singers don't sing. OK, that was mean, I'm sorry. Mediocre singers shouldn't sing. At least not in situations where their talent has to carry the song. For the record, if someone else was singing this song, it would be a good song.

11. "Mary Jane Shoes" -- And the song-jacking continues. I guess since Paris Hilton has a reggae sounding song then ol' Veruca Salt over here has to have one, too. Actually, Will and Ferg go off and taken "No Woman, No Cry." Come on, The Fugees just did that. Keep tryin' Will, you're not Wyclef.

12. "Losing My Ground" -- Losing your ground eh, Ferg? You mean like this? Just kidding. This song is about her ex-boyfriend Meth.

13. "Finally" -- My sentiments exactly. Even John Legend can't save this.

Overall rating: 2 out of a possible 10.

Best song: "Big Girls Don't Cry"

Worst Song(s): "London Bridge, " "Fergalicious" and "Pedestal."

Final thoughts: There's no reason this woman should be famous. She's repulsive to all five senses. This album embodies everything that's wrong with pop music -- contrived songs, repetitive themes and the mass marketing of artists based on image rather than talent.